My Dearest Ones,
I am not sure how I want to begin this blog, there is so much I want to say and I am not sure if anyone will really understand me at all. I am very tired this morning but I can not seem to sleep because I have a lot of thoughts within my mind that wants to spill out in a tumbling mass of words. Although it is very seldom that I feel the need to say a lot on a range of topics at once,
today is one of those times.
A friend of mine David Nahmod, alerted me to a tragedy that happened recently in California. Two elderly gentlemen who were gay and a couple for many years were placed into two different nursing homes, their home that they had for many years was sold at a auction,Neither lifemate was able to see the other and one of them passed away. The Survivng spouse or Lifemate did not have a home to return to,anything of his lifemate,and was treated very badly.
I find this to be a very disturbing story but one that does occur often in the social services and health care fields. You would think that at least in liberal open minded places in California such things would not happen as they do like elsewhwere in the USA. I think the American culture in general
seems to be at odds within itself. A tug of war has existed,
but not exactly by the Religious Right, but tradition and social cultural changes.
An example of what I mean is like an eipsode of EVERYONE LOVES RAYMOND in which the twin boys were to be male fairies in a school play and the Grandfather objected to it because it would mean that the boys would have to wear wings and tieghts. He told Raymond to get the boys into baseball or some kind of sport because they would be "pansies" and "sissies" if they didn't.
Raymond and Deborah thought otherwise,but the grandfather was insistent. In fact, it was revealed in that eipsode that Raymond as a boy was made to drop his piano lessons because the grandfather felt it would make him out to be a sissy...
Where do such balant lies and myths such as that begin? Where is it written that someone who is in uniform turned traitor to his country or his buddies because he was gay? Nowhere that I know of, yet this prejudice still exists. I don't get it.
I don't understand why people think this way. Remember Ronald Reagan's son? He was made to give up his career as a male dancer because it was considered to be unmannish of a career choice for
a son of a President. Lots of family pressure had to be laid on him for him to do as his Father wanted,I think.
This is supposed to be the year 2010 in a very progressive age,
but I am starting to believe, for every two steps forward, we take six or seven steps back.
Whenever I have to be in my scooter or in a wheelchair,I sometimes see people look away,children looking curiously and often asking "What happend to you?" while their mothers embarressed apologize as if the child had done something terribly wrong. I have no problem about answering the child directly and honestly, but I sometimes have a problem with adults that appologize to me over my being Physically challenged.
It is a problem of life,such as it is, but they often can't deal with it because it has only been in recent years that the Physically Challenged are seen and heard in public life.
A friend of mine and I were discussing this recently and he expressed the worry that the Health Care system might yet try to get us all into assisted living or nursing homes again because of the high cost of medical care and living life. I do not know if it will ever come down to that,but I know I am scared of going into assisted living. I have been repeatedly told by well meaning friends that assisted living is not like nursing homes,and that I would have freedom to come and go as I pleased,but I have seen a few of these places in the past and I did not like what I saw.
Too much like Sunland for my tatse. Sunland was a place where many of my classmates and friends who had Cerebral Palsy ended up
as children because their parents gave them away to the State of Florida. The conditions there were so horrible that Geraldo Rivera did a expose on Sunland for his show years later.
It really sealed a negative image within my mind of nursing homes and "rest homes" as Sunland was called back then.
I did work as a Volunteer Candy stripper and Nurse Aide at a few nursing homes as young girl and young adult female, but I never got paid for it since I was Disabled. I became quite burned out
because you had a lot of problems that should have been addressed but were not. I swore to myself then that I would never get myself trapped in such a place ever...Now,my friends are trying to convince me to go into one so it would make life easier and I would get Medicaid back if I did so. Medicaid to pay my co pays and things that I need that Medicare does not pay.
There is no assurance that I would get Medicaid back anyway even though My SSI is less than what the top pay out is.
I don't understand the system either. That is something that I long to grasp and find a way to get around the barriers imposed on me, but I doubt I ever will.
Yours,
Heidi
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Shalom my Dear Ones,
Today a nurse from the new Medicare Insurance Company, Care Improvement Plus came out to do an assement exam which was pretty good but I couldn't pee into a cup for her. Why is it everytime that someone ask to do it, I can't but as soon as they leave, I suddenly can?
Mr.Gannon, a sweetheart of a neighbour came by today and took me up to the Piggly Wiggly to get some soda and cat treats. He told me that my next door neighbour came by his house and she yelled at home for taking me. I told Nancy that it was none of her business.
I truly feel that it was not her business,but I can't get her to understand. While I appreciate her friendship and understanding, I don't like having her play "Policeman" over what I spend my money on. It is not only after sodas,but books too. I don't know why she feels like she has to do this. Anyway, she gave me back all my insurance stuff today because I told her not to worry about what I do. It is not like I am doing anything against the law. I am not trying to kill myself, I am not trying to starve myself or anything bad.
Okay, I have Diabetes, but I also have other things wrong, so do a lot of other people. She is a Cancer survivor, but she still smokes.
I don't see why I should be made to feel like I have to walk upon the ground like at any moment I will be stepping on a land mine.
Today a nurse from the new Medicare Insurance Company, Care Improvement Plus came out to do an assement exam which was pretty good but I couldn't pee into a cup for her. Why is it everytime that someone ask to do it, I can't but as soon as they leave, I suddenly can?
Mr.Gannon, a sweetheart of a neighbour came by today and took me up to the Piggly Wiggly to get some soda and cat treats. He told me that my next door neighbour came by his house and she yelled at home for taking me. I told Nancy that it was none of her business.
I truly feel that it was not her business,but I can't get her to understand. While I appreciate her friendship and understanding, I don't like having her play "Policeman" over what I spend my money on. It is not only after sodas,but books too. I don't know why she feels like she has to do this. Anyway, she gave me back all my insurance stuff today because I told her not to worry about what I do. It is not like I am doing anything against the law. I am not trying to kill myself, I am not trying to starve myself or anything bad.
Okay, I have Diabetes, but I also have other things wrong, so do a lot of other people. She is a Cancer survivor, but she still smokes.
I don't see why I should be made to feel like I have to walk upon the ground like at any moment I will be stepping on a land mine.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Yesterday I was over my neighbour's house just chatting when she pulled out an issue of Watch Tower. It was a long article about discussing religion. That is one subject I never really like to talk about with her because I am always having to defend myself and my faith. There is an another reason that discussing religion is always something I do not except with fellow Jews or people who ask questions about Juadaism. I don't like losing my temper or losing myself emotionally, yet it seems today that people find ways of drawing me into the subject whether I like it or not.
Recently I was asked how I felt about Sarah Palin, the Republican party and the Tea Party. I replied that it seemed to me that Sarah Palin and the Tea Party people were trying to force "That Old Time Religion" of traditional Victorian Purtian Christianity back into the mainstream.
It is not that I am against Christians or Christianity itself,but I am against any group trying to force their ways on others. Jehovah's Witnesses are just one extreme group that keeps on trying to get others to see their "truth" as they see it,but there are others too but not so overtly so.
While my neighbour talked, I nodded politely and longed to get off the subject as soon as I could.
Why is it that every Christian like her brings up "Jews killed Christ" when we did nothing of the sort? I tried to explain in my self defensive mode that we did not kill him, the rabbis would not have been meeting to conduct any business during Passover week, That handing a Jew over to anyone if we Knew that there was a possibility of the person being put to death or tortured was against Jewish law? That we Jews did not have any power of life or death in those times but the Romans who put King Herod I and King Herod II on the thrones as puppet kings did?
I don't think she heard a word,because she kept right on her chat as if I had not said a word.
Years ago after one of my friends had died of AIDS, I had to give a speech on AIDs in a Medical Terminology class at MidLand's Techincal College. This was way back in the 1980's, when AIDs was somewhat a scary new disease that almost everyone liked to pretend did not exist.
I think this was when I really learned to fear public speaking and extreme religious persons.
All during my speech which was a very informative one and a fine one, a black classmate kept raising her hand and tried to interupt my speech , finally I stopped ignoring her as I had ended my speech. She looked at me as if she wanted to bite or hit me.
"Was he Gay?" She asked me in a knowing tone.
"I don't think it is anyone's business if my friend was gay or not." I snapped back.
"Oh but it is. Was he gay?" She demanded.
"What does that matter?" I snarled.
"Gays are being punished for being gay by G_d" She replied.
"How dare you! How dare you say that or even think that! Who died and made you judge and jury over anyone? AIDS is a disease just like the Plauge or the chicken pox is,nothing more or less." I thundered back. It was then that I lost it...I started crying. Tears are very ineffective when you are trying to defend a friend or a group of people that you are not a part of,yet you know what they're going through and you want to help in some way.
I sat down and she glared at me through the rest of the class. I did not feel threatened...not then.
The next day,my Aunt Gracie had dropped me off early for the class and I was sitting outside the classroom when my torrmentor from the day before showed up and the hatered in her eyes was wild. She threatened to kill me and the teacher. She said that I deserved to die because I had made a fool out of her the previous day. I should have replied that I did not make a fool out of her, that she did that all by herself, but I did not. Instead, I was too stunned and scared to speak at all because she had slapped my face.
I recall running down the hall and trying to find the maintaince man or someone, when other students arrivied and the classroom door was unlocked. I sprinted inside and told every one what was going on because MJ was still yelling at the top of her lungs. Our teacher arrivied, the Police were called, and we spent most of the morning not doing lessons but worrying about MJ.
People who are frieghtened naturally have to talk, and that we did. I learned from others in the
classroom that MJ was a religious nutcase who often made life miserable for everyone. After breaktime, MJ was allowed to be in the classroom, but I was assurred that she was not going to
remain in the classroom afterwards. A curious thing happend on the way out of the classroom that afternoon,my classmates formed a kind of a guard around my teacher and I. For her actions, MJ was supposed to stay off the campus for the semester, but she did try a few times to run me down or pretend to after the class was over when I was crossing the street from one part of the campus to the other. After that semester, I never saw her again, but I had learned to be
wary of persons that are kind of overzealous where and when religion is concerned.
Mind you, I am not against discussing religion, but I think it ought to be a open exchange, not someone trying to ram their ideas down everyone's else's throarts. Isn't that the reason why America exists--so all people can be free to be as they want to be, Pray as they want to pray and think as they want to think? Have we become hostage to the religious right again???
I still do not know how to handle my next door neighbour--in spite of her religious talks, she is a very nice woman and a kind hearted neighbour. I just don't know how to walk away from the religious discussions that she sneaks in our chats without being rude.
Recently I was asked how I felt about Sarah Palin, the Republican party and the Tea Party. I replied that it seemed to me that Sarah Palin and the Tea Party people were trying to force "That Old Time Religion" of traditional Victorian Purtian Christianity back into the mainstream.
It is not that I am against Christians or Christianity itself,but I am against any group trying to force their ways on others. Jehovah's Witnesses are just one extreme group that keeps on trying to get others to see their "truth" as they see it,but there are others too but not so overtly so.
While my neighbour talked, I nodded politely and longed to get off the subject as soon as I could.
Why is it that every Christian like her brings up "Jews killed Christ" when we did nothing of the sort? I tried to explain in my self defensive mode that we did not kill him, the rabbis would not have been meeting to conduct any business during Passover week, That handing a Jew over to anyone if we Knew that there was a possibility of the person being put to death or tortured was against Jewish law? That we Jews did not have any power of life or death in those times but the Romans who put King Herod I and King Herod II on the thrones as puppet kings did?
I don't think she heard a word,because she kept right on her chat as if I had not said a word.
Years ago after one of my friends had died of AIDS, I had to give a speech on AIDs in a Medical Terminology class at MidLand's Techincal College. This was way back in the 1980's, when AIDs was somewhat a scary new disease that almost everyone liked to pretend did not exist.
I think this was when I really learned to fear public speaking and extreme religious persons.
All during my speech which was a very informative one and a fine one, a black classmate kept raising her hand and tried to interupt my speech , finally I stopped ignoring her as I had ended my speech. She looked at me as if she wanted to bite or hit me.
"Was he Gay?" She asked me in a knowing tone.
"I don't think it is anyone's business if my friend was gay or not." I snapped back.
"Oh but it is. Was he gay?" She demanded.
"What does that matter?" I snarled.
"Gays are being punished for being gay by G_d" She replied.
"How dare you! How dare you say that or even think that! Who died and made you judge and jury over anyone? AIDS is a disease just like the Plauge or the chicken pox is,nothing more or less." I thundered back. It was then that I lost it...I started crying. Tears are very ineffective when you are trying to defend a friend or a group of people that you are not a part of,yet you know what they're going through and you want to help in some way.
I sat down and she glared at me through the rest of the class. I did not feel threatened...not then.
The next day,my Aunt Gracie had dropped me off early for the class and I was sitting outside the classroom when my torrmentor from the day before showed up and the hatered in her eyes was wild. She threatened to kill me and the teacher. She said that I deserved to die because I had made a fool out of her the previous day. I should have replied that I did not make a fool out of her, that she did that all by herself, but I did not. Instead, I was too stunned and scared to speak at all because she had slapped my face.
I recall running down the hall and trying to find the maintaince man or someone, when other students arrivied and the classroom door was unlocked. I sprinted inside and told every one what was going on because MJ was still yelling at the top of her lungs. Our teacher arrivied, the Police were called, and we spent most of the morning not doing lessons but worrying about MJ.
People who are frieghtened naturally have to talk, and that we did. I learned from others in the
classroom that MJ was a religious nutcase who often made life miserable for everyone. After breaktime, MJ was allowed to be in the classroom, but I was assurred that she was not going to
remain in the classroom afterwards. A curious thing happend on the way out of the classroom that afternoon,my classmates formed a kind of a guard around my teacher and I. For her actions, MJ was supposed to stay off the campus for the semester, but she did try a few times to run me down or pretend to after the class was over when I was crossing the street from one part of the campus to the other. After that semester, I never saw her again, but I had learned to be
wary of persons that are kind of overzealous where and when religion is concerned.
Mind you, I am not against discussing religion, but I think it ought to be a open exchange, not someone trying to ram their ideas down everyone's else's throarts. Isn't that the reason why America exists--so all people can be free to be as they want to be, Pray as they want to pray and think as they want to think? Have we become hostage to the religious right again???
I still do not know how to handle my next door neighbour--in spite of her religious talks, she is a very nice woman and a kind hearted neighbour. I just don't know how to walk away from the religious discussions that she sneaks in our chats without being rude.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Labeling and Freedom
My Dear Ones,
I am not at all sure how to begin this blog, being that I have never really done so before now,althought I have started more than once to do so. Sometimes I find writing down my thoughts and the events that happen to me to be so deeply within my soul that I find it hard to put it all down into words. It is said that writing things down can relieve pain,but I wonder. The last time I really allowed myself to "let go" of my pain and sorrows was when I was taking a class on Death and Dying,but I had a teacher that I trusted and he was the only crittic and reader of that diary that I kept for a semester. I have tried since then to do so, but everytime I have done so,some anicent pain made my mind and soul feel like I should not keep on going.
It is not easy for someone like me to really put myself down on paper even if it is a blog
because I feel things so much and not everyone is tolerant or understanding. Back in the 1980's when I was having a lot of family problems, my mother found my diary and got very mad at me for having it. She was very hurt that I kept a written record about my feelings and the things we werre all going through at the time, and I felt so bad that it took me years before I could even
get personal again---even writing letters to friends and relatives became a very hard thing to do.
Anyone that knows me well knows I would rather call than write because it is less
of a emotional problem for me...Yet I have to break through this dam I have because it does affect my ability to write as I want to. I write only a little bit then I freeze up because I become scared that I may say or do the wrong thing that will hurt or anger someone else that I am fond of or love,so I abandon things before I really let myself be known if you know what I mean.
About six or seven years ago, I had a severe eipsode of Major Depression that I tried to fight
off by writing a story,it turned out to be a great story but written all by my printed hand,
which I put into notebooks and there they remain...Why? Because of my fear of being rejected,
my fear that those that claim to love me suddenly will not, that no one but I will be reading these lines. Fear can be very much a scroll of agony for someone like me.
It is not fear that can not make me decide wether I am straight, lesiban or asexual, but it is fear of not being understood or not being welcomed,that makes me shy away from such a labels.
Gads, I hate labels! I was labelled as a Orphan and then a Adopted kid when I was too young to understand, Then when I was 17 months old, it was learned that I have Cerebral Palsy,thus a
another label attachted to me. Labels have been upon my me ever since and I hate it.
Perhaps that is why I hate labels too that people put on each other and themselves, because by putting a label on one is like branding one with a scarlet letter or something.
Why can't people just enjoy each other without having a label ? When was it that people started
putting labels on each other in the first place? Was it around the same time that they decicded that we all had to fit in certain boxes and stereotypes?
I wish someone could tell me.
Yours,
Heidi
I am not at all sure how to begin this blog, being that I have never really done so before now,althought I have started more than once to do so. Sometimes I find writing down my thoughts and the events that happen to me to be so deeply within my soul that I find it hard to put it all down into words. It is said that writing things down can relieve pain,but I wonder. The last time I really allowed myself to "let go" of my pain and sorrows was when I was taking a class on Death and Dying,but I had a teacher that I trusted and he was the only crittic and reader of that diary that I kept for a semester. I have tried since then to do so, but everytime I have done so,some anicent pain made my mind and soul feel like I should not keep on going.
It is not easy for someone like me to really put myself down on paper even if it is a blog
because I feel things so much and not everyone is tolerant or understanding. Back in the 1980's when I was having a lot of family problems, my mother found my diary and got very mad at me for having it. She was very hurt that I kept a written record about my feelings and the things we werre all going through at the time, and I felt so bad that it took me years before I could even
get personal again---even writing letters to friends and relatives became a very hard thing to do.
Anyone that knows me well knows I would rather call than write because it is less
of a emotional problem for me...Yet I have to break through this dam I have because it does affect my ability to write as I want to. I write only a little bit then I freeze up because I become scared that I may say or do the wrong thing that will hurt or anger someone else that I am fond of or love,so I abandon things before I really let myself be known if you know what I mean.
About six or seven years ago, I had a severe eipsode of Major Depression that I tried to fight
off by writing a story,it turned out to be a great story but written all by my printed hand,
which I put into notebooks and there they remain...Why? Because of my fear of being rejected,
my fear that those that claim to love me suddenly will not, that no one but I will be reading these lines. Fear can be very much a scroll of agony for someone like me.
It is not fear that can not make me decide wether I am straight, lesiban or asexual, but it is fear of not being understood or not being welcomed,that makes me shy away from such a labels.
Gads, I hate labels! I was labelled as a Orphan and then a Adopted kid when I was too young to understand, Then when I was 17 months old, it was learned that I have Cerebral Palsy,thus a
another label attachted to me. Labels have been upon my me ever since and I hate it.
Perhaps that is why I hate labels too that people put on each other and themselves, because by putting a label on one is like branding one with a scarlet letter or something.
Why can't people just enjoy each other without having a label ? When was it that people started
putting labels on each other in the first place? Was it around the same time that they decicded that we all had to fit in certain boxes and stereotypes?
I wish someone could tell me.
Yours,
Heidi
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